I did some change work with someone last night - something I haven’t done for a long time. Plenty of time distortion linguistics, some submodality change work and showing the client how to create an anchor and make it more potent themselves.
One thing I noticed was my constant chase to develop rapport with the client. This person had had an NLP experience before, along with all the comments from friends about what NLP is, and it was interesting to note the hesitancy about what may, or may not, happen during the session.
So, I spent most of the time developing rapport, with the change work almost a side issue. Change did take place, and I’d like to think when we meet again next week, last night’s session would have enabled me to start further down the line and achieve even more change.
As a non-practicing practitioner I always wonder about my own competence during these sessions and my ability to maximise the effect of any change work. What worries me most, however, is the competence of people out there doing this for a living, with money changing hands.
Two members of my family aren’t getting on. One of them wants to but has given up I think. They rub each other up the wrong way and the problem is neither of the them will budge.
I found myself in a similar (different context) situation this week. We sent out a marketing communication at work and had two complaints. It maybe worth pointing out that we sent about 400 of the things but I still managed to take it personally that one of these two people told us not to send us our stuff in future. The message was that “we know who you are already”.
I see similarities on these two events purely because of the responses, and, the seemingly lack of willingness to acknowledge the need to be flexible (although it did hit me after a day).
If the meaning of communication is the response you get then surely the communicator needs to be more flexible in their approach. But how many people are really that consistently flexible? I know I can be. I also know that I am not most of the time.
In marketing, there is a tactic whereby you segment data as you collect it so you only send certain messages to certain people. It’s a bit like a Tesco Clubcard where they only give you offers on things that you buy because they have registered everything that you have bought in the past. Some call it intrusive but at the very heart of the system is the fact that they are noting what you like and responding accordingly.
In society where one-size does not fit-all, the need for flexible communications (and flexible outcomes) has never been so necessary. I am glad I spotted this one because when I think about it I haven’t been too flexible myself recently. The noticing is the first part, now down to allowing myself to be even more flexible with my communication.
A friend of mine has just completed his NLP Practioner Course. He loved it and his big realisation is that he tells himself stories, stories about things that have not yet happened.
He realised that he kept painting a picture of the future, when in fact, he had no idea what the future holds. On realising that he does paint a picture of the future in his head (and I guess quite a few of us do), he asked himself what would happen if he changed the story to be have a much more positive outcome?
This is something I do a hell of a lot. I build stories around events that haven’t happened, and sometimes never will. I would say that 9 times out of ten, my story will be wrong.
It’s a learning for me here. I once did future timeline, and found it very powerful. I have to ask why I don’t do it more often, even on a smaller scale.
I am doing a best man’s speech in September and I am currently battling with the story I am telling myself. On one hand, I am confident, and I am prepared, but then this voice comes in (ah, bless that voice) that starts questioning stuff and creating scenarios that will probably never play out.
Acknowledging this, I am fighting hard, and the positivity is winning. My positive story is too compelling and I know I have the confidence to pull it off. In fact, I would go as far as to say I think I will storm it. I’m nervous, but that’s good for me - I’ve done quite a bit of public speaking - but I have also put it into perspective - it’s only 8 minutes of my life after all
Anyway, those stories. If you are one of those people that tells themselves a story in their head and the outcome is never good, why not try changing the ending? Better still, change the story completely.
So, I have come to the conclusion, as I get in my late thirties… that I am fat. I always played the ‘chubby’ card, that I am big-boned, but, alas, it is definitely fat. In fact, for the last couple of years, I have become lazier as well which has seen me head in the wrong direction.
To be honest, it’s a constant battle I’ve had since an early teenage and I very rarely don’t put up a good fight, if at all. I know (I just know, right) through timeline work that the weight will come off and I will end up being quite a healthy person, and I also think I am very nearly there ready for action.
In fact, I may have started already this week. Not by consciously attacking the bad foods I eat, but by understanding that I eat usually because I am bored. It has nothing to do with hunger.
I have been busy, developing new habits (or patterns) that work on the boredom, rather than the eating itself. It’s a bummer right now, as I have a bad back and want to exercise, but I can foresee a time in the VERY near future that I will be changing habits even more in the direction of a healthy lifestyle.
A little bit of history
When I first did timeline back on my NLP Practitioner Course in 2004, something came out of nowhere for me to do with being scared of death and my father, who died at the age of 49 of a heart attack, a month before my 18th birthday.
What surfaced from my unconscious mind during this experience was that I was always getting told how much like my dad I am. My mind was reading this as a “well, I better hurry up and ruin my body for an early death then” - it was a powerful experience as you may imagine.
The future
Of course, when these things surface, you can work on them (you gotta love timeline therapy), and I have, in so many ways. I also believe it’s down to me now to get healthy and the time is nigh to work it out.
I always found a lot of NLP techniques a bit shallow for this quest though, like changing a ‘like to a dislike’ or strategies - perhaps I just haven’t done them that well in the past? I do think it’s more than that though, understanding a higher level of NLP so that you can just ‘work on yourself’ surreptitiously in the background.
So, my confidence is high and my boredom is being quashed with new habits. This includes one that may sound rather mundane - pottering round the house and garden doing little things that need doing - double whammy that one. And partly the reason for my bad back I fear that has to carry my weight and more when I am lifting.
Losing weight, or in fact Living a Health Lifestyle, always interests me and a way for me to find the perfect balance, so please feel free to share your thoughts with me.
I am sure we have some sort of wireless networking going on between us. Creating and maintaining rapport for instance.
My wife and I often say things at the same time and I am proud of that level of rapport. I also recently spent some time with a person I feel is quite negative in the way they speak, and I found it actually bring me down over a period.
I guess the answer is to spend more time with positive, loving people and ramp up the wireless networking. I went to an event last year and saw a guy called Gary Bertwhistle (I blogged about it). One thing I got from his talk was his comments about surrounding yourself with your own personal ‘council’ - a group of friends, colleagues, etc. who act as your own personal support group…
Surround yourself with the right people - attitude - you can’t do it alone. Who’s your council? Does it need an update? Recognise who it is and does it need changing - what’s missing? Are they holding you back? Are their people you can add who will help you ‘raise your roof’?
Some people scoff at happy people - “it’s not natural” - why is that? Certainly not people to include in my council I think…
Think of a relationship and you may think of a person - a family member, lover or work colleague perhaps? Then imagine how you may utilize your NLP knowledge to make communications better between you and the other person.
I, personally, have adpated my linguistics with certain people to improve our relationship, although I know I still have a long way to go to become even more flexible.
I often wonder about relationships with other things other than people. Relationships with my own happiness, with food and excercise, etc. These relationships, I think, need work too.
Take me and food for instance. I don’t have enough understanding, respect, time or flexibility to improve this relationship… yet. I know (in terms of the big picture) that this relationship will change, although it hasn’t kicked started yet. I also know that if I can master the relationship and adapt the way I communicate internally as part of the relationship, I will control the relationship in a much more positive way. ie. The Law of Requisite Variety.
ps. Any diet strategies greatly recommended after 10 days of kebabs in Cyprus…
How is it that when you are in a rush, time goes oh so quickly. And, when you have time to kill (like waiting for someone or something) it seems to slow right down?
I am currently on holiday and my time in this environment is different from the time I spend at home. I wake, whenever. I eat breakfast, I laze around and I have no care about the time at all. I am relaxed and the time seems worthwhile. Compare that to when I am at home or at work and how time suddenly becomes so much more important as I ‘get stuff done’.
Time, in itself, is a very strange concept when you come to think of it - an illusion. (more…)
My friend, Daryll Scott, who runs Use Your Noggin, a leadership and coaching company in Berkshire, wrote a book about NLP during 2007. He even got a forward by John Grinder.
Anyway, along with his business partner Ben, they have started podcasting and here’s the first one about Performance Discussions performance discussions (also available via iTunes) and he is looking for topics for his next sessions and wants to cover elements of NLP.
So, he mentioned that I could offer a copy of his NLP book free for any great suggestions of topics he could cover as he wants to address real questions that people have. Offer ends on 13th May and is limited to 10 copies so if you have any NLP topics you would like Daryll to cover, you can e-mail him here.
A work colleague is going on an NLP Practitioner course in June and I was chatting through it yesterday with him (recognizing the need not to impose my own experience on his). It took me back to when I first ‘found’ NLP.
All through my twenties I remember reading about eastern ‘religions’ such as Buddhism, Taoism, etc. having not really bought into our westernized ways of organized beliefs; looking for something to help make me stronger mentally. I still think these two philosophies especially have an amazing amount to offer… (more…)
